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April 23 けっていした!February 28 Another peaceful Saturday morning Life is a series of experiments and questions. I have been feeling so
for the past five battle-like weeks . Overwhelming, yet thrilled, in
terms of fighting for my future righteousness, in time and space. A
three week pilgrimage to Japan should kick off the summer, followed
with the highlight in New York. With those glittering pieces of summer
images, I maintain a fight self free from all possible frustrations.
How easily can frustration and self-pity sneak in! You always hear
stories about the well-connected, privileged New Yorker parents patting
the shoulders of big-name designers. "Hey, my daughter is gonna hang
out at your place this summer," they said, smiling and nodding. I'm not particularly concerned, or cynical, about the fashion industry being incestuous. All the good industries pride in exclusivity. In fact, I have my peace of mind exactly in knowing that everything will NOT be going to start out in the way I want. That said, just do the thing you like, and do it well. So you sketch and design day and night, snatching a few hours of nap between classes, fabricating the portfolio with your daydream, of summer, of New York, of sewing, cutting, and drawing with the background medley of car horns and shouts and all the endless bear of the music from the sexed up atelier. As a result, those portfolios, though overly sentimental, won me two interviews with Michael Kors and Anna Sui. Such a relief, to finally know that I was not wrong to summon up all courage to ignore retailing/marketing/PR, but to go for the designing, the real, core stuff. The evil voice that used to ring my ears all day is that going to business side has a broader variety of choices/backups, while going designing is so break-it-or-make-it, and I was never known as a risk-taker. On the other hand, the burning desire for ambition and passion grows, takes on its own life, nurtured by the unforgettable moments. Like being approached in the city by buyers to inquire about buying my design, like making a hundred bucks profit over a sweater I tossed together, and like getting the final round interviews with the designers themselves. These kinds of moments are like rare family jewel. No matter what happen in the future, I can always spread them out and affectionately recall my fight self lurked in every fold. Those moments, after all, led to the decision that if I couldn't be a designer, I'd rather be dead. That's what I mean by saying that the past five weeks were battle-like and overwhelming. To set off the intensity, every single morning I carve out one hour purely for mental well-being. Indulge in a breakfast like a king, and read whatever Japanese novels I have at hand (yes, still mostly Murakami Haruki) until 8, and then get ready for class. In late winter, the breakfast area of our kitchen will bask in the morning sunlight around 9. So I usually protract my Saturday morning. Grill silver carp, chop tofu, youcai, jinzhengu, douyar, and boil everything until the soup is creamy white. After the breakfast I write and listen to Hide, X, or Sophie Zelmani. It's what I'm doing now. Yep, it's another peaceful Saturday morning. January 27 Jazz Up Kiki Smith![]() Say it to yourself three time a day, every day. Think Positively. Don't sacrifice your personal life! Think Positively. Don't sacrifice your personal life! Think Positively. Don't sacrifice your personal life! Sometimes people try too hard to further a grand future, blindly believing the singleness of objective, which is to be perfect. With all those mighty efforts to appear important, the idea of exposing one's vulnerability in public sphere seems way more radical than doing powerful look... January 10 Ode to My 21 and 2009 Today, last day of work and several days before my birthday. I looked
down over the quickly melting “2” and “1” shaped candles on my overly
fashionable birthday cake brought by my fashionable designer boss. The
first wish that came to mind had to do with the internship I desired
badly for the summer. I nixed it, unnecessary, irrelevant. The next had
to do with some little romances. I nixed it as well. Overly convoluted,
disillusional and disposable. I wanted a faultless birthday wish to
start a new year. On the way home tonight I watched my shadow walking along the graffiti-covered wall that separates aloof artsy M50 from the ill-clothed, ill-fed PuTuo Qu. It was a heavy shadow encumbered with a big backpack and winter clothes, hurrying in its boots one in front of the other on the multicolored concrete. In the glitter of the ambient Shanghai night and the unbearably cold air, look back, I heard the shadow whisper, take a break, dream, look back, regret. Look back as I did. I was thinking the tumultuous summer in the little town of Middlebury, which seemed so remote and blazing compared to Shanghai. We were sitting on wooden benches in our cute Japanese yard, the heat of summer Vermont night and sweet air from onigiri caressing our faces as we craned our necks to stare at the black sky pierced with infinite, huge stars that even I could see without contacts. My 25-year-old Tousan and I played drinking game with his crappy leftover sake. He is my Tousan because he is the most uptight, composed and intelligent person I've ever met, archetype of Dartmonth art and philosophy double major. He helped me go through the grammar of "I never". He said, "I've never fallen completely hopelessly, 100% in love." I repeated and memorized. In Japanese the sentence had a usage of proud tone. We talked intensively during those cool, sleepless nights, broke the language pledge for who-know many times. I like my tousan because we are alike. He believes that it's important to cultivate detachment. Things get messed up when someone else is involved. If we don't expect, nothing more to lose, stripped down to the bare bones of ourselves. I used to believe so until a vague, far-off summer in Beijing when I met my first love. We were infected by many deep, philosophical talks that went on and on until two in the morning. Beijing was beautiful that night, full of possibilities and life. I was 16 or 17 by then. My belief in detachment got shaken off and the blaze of love unfolded, with which I marched into the possibility of being traumatized. So as I did, for years, harassed by the memory of hurting that casts shadows and nagging questions of ifs and why-nots. I thought about those nights. My tousan had never ever fallen completely hopelessly, 100% in love before he could afford to do so. You must live through the age you are at, do the thing when it's the time for that and only then you'll be happy. That's to say, be bold, fool around when you're innocently young. Battling yourself in 20s. Have a family before hitting late 30s. Achieve a career in 40s. Be somebody in 50s, and relax in 60s. After that you accept who you are. So I blew out those two sputtering candles on the melted cake and finally made the decision. 2008 was spectacular to me. For the coming birthday, as well as the year of 2009, I want to live through my age, to fully savor what it's like of being 21, to do the thing that a 21-year-old individual is meant to do: one, to fight with my every strength for the career I care about; two, to fall in love again, with all of my soul, unconditionally, unreservedly. October 18 再一次和思碰撞之后 一直在看胡爽同学的blog。每每一读,就感觉好像回归到实验式的思维方式。blog内容本身并不一定关于学校,但是叙事的方式,传达某个信息的努力,这些细微的痕迹都让我想起实验。 另外一个提醒着实验的存在的人当然是思。不知怎的,不管多久没有说过话,和思上来不到5分钟便可以直接切换到那个最深的交流状态。今天对话之后,我更进一 步明白了你所想实现的人生的意义。和我的正相反的,尽自己所能想明白这个世界,然后去碰触激发出在自己人生道路上匍匐前进的人们的缠绕,吸收容纳然后转换 出来来启迪(或者仅仅是引发思考)更多的人。 清晰地看到自己想做的,自己擅长的,然后心无杂念地走上相应的路,我觉得这种无畏应该是实验式的思维方式--这是读爽,思,miia的blog给我的感 觉;我也相信每一次我别别扭扭写blog时所想传递的信息也会被她们解读出来。为了这种绝对纯粹的交流,我才会在对学业和事业的计划和不安中抬起头,闭上 眼坦然诚实地倾听自己内心的声音,真诚地试着去了解自己。 这就是在和思(或者如我claim--另外一个我)聊天的时候所感受到的气场。我说,在夏天的某一个午后,躺在midd一眼看不到边的草坪上听某人的 Good Bye,然后毫无戒备地听懂的某一句歌词扑面而来。意识到的时候,已经泪流满面了。听了整整8年不知其意的歌突然开始对我说话,真让我措手不及。那句词 是: 君のメロディー 何処にいても 鳴り続けている 好像是钥匙一样,突然连接上了什么东西。那个午后对于我来说是一个私人的,启迪性的时刻。想表达出来,记录下来,但是不能够。直到今天,借着你的才能,我 才可以又一次回到那个场所。我知道电话对面静静听着的你,接收到的不是言语而是画面。那个午后草地的风景,阳光幻化成粉色的旋律飘在天空,然后你可以看到 我的记忆被那首歌开启,疯狂地在草地上奔跑。 我知道你可以和我的气场同步看到这个画面,所以我才能毫无顾虑地表达出来。现在想来,这么做的必要性也是有的。 借用一下村上氏的话说,那就好像电影中的象征性镜头-- 某个场景反复推出,执拗着连连提着我的脑袋说:喂,起来,我可还在这里哟!起来,思考一下,我为什么还在这里。理解我! 在那片草地上,我想起那些逝去的人们的种种音容笑貌。多年来Good Bye带给我的堆积如山的回忆,被钥匙释放后好像汹涌的潮水争相恐后地袭来,将我冲向某个奇妙地带。在这里,死也不再是生的对立面。在轰鸣的波浪的间隙中能听到的只有某人的声音。死是死,某人是某人。 但潮水退后是沉重的悲哀,连夕阳也不知道什么时候褪去的。就是在那样一个夜空下,我领悟出那个关于可能性的哲理。当然无论什么哲理也不会填补逝者留下的空虚,但是我已经明白了自己的人生就要去寻找最能回应逝去之人的生存方式,然后作为信念贯彻下去。 那一刻之后,我觉得自己变得坚定了很多。因为有了信念,觉得自己在以真实的内心而生活。 能明白这话的人,除你以外还有一人。我把你们收为我自身的一部分,和我一起永远共存在那个午后阳光下被记忆浪潮袭击的草地上。 July 30 越来越贴近思的Blog风格 终于不再质疑。 60天苦行,一遍遍地读舞舞舞,一次次从ludic dream醒来睁眼躺在床上等心跳平稳下来。周末虽然不上发条但是会逼自己审视过去的这一年。这样走下去通向哪里,每一次抉择时自己的意志,假想的自我,他人的肯定,哪一个在起作用。 这样苦行僧似的拷问自己到现在,明白一件事情。让我不能放手的不是所谓的成功,而是可能性自身。周身存在着各种各样的可能性,而人生的意义仅仅是去接近极 限地去实现哪些可能性。所以在这个过程中不管失去什么,都是我输得起的。这就是我曾经百思不得其解的问题,为什么要去做明知结果不会愉快的事情。重读去 年以来的自省,每一次抉择之前都有着这样的字眼:I know I'll end up being hurt, but that's what I choose, compared to not choose at all.比起失败或者受伤,让可能性擦肩而过来的痛苦才是吞噬我的黑暗。这种痛苦好像叫作后悔。 思考的最后一步,为什么宁可输了一切也不要后悔。为什么,为什么,为什么,这么逼问自己这才回忆起了那句话。 [想做就去做吧,因为这是个怎么想都不会明白的世界]。 接近极限地去实现所有的可能性啊,原来我走了这么一个大圆,只是在自己的人生中寻找最能回应那句话的生存方式,并作为自己的信念贯彻下去。 终于不再质疑。 June 27 keigo summary haven't seen an useful version on Internet, so make one myself.
June 21 ……—()*—*%突然间所有细小的点都连上了。 喜欢coco chanel的故事--开始玩弄布料--被森 英恵迷住 因为hide的事--下决心这个夏天开始敬语的学习--开始关于日本的一些research 然后突然的,Mori家族是F&M的校友。50年前的她,在Paris偶遇Coco Chanel之后突然醒悟到自己的憧憬,有了现在Hanae Mori Butterfly。 此刻的感觉,就好像发条鸟和舞舞舞里面的村上,各种毫无关联稀奇古怪的事情层出不穷之时,突然意识到原来所有的事情都按着早已串联好的方向暗暗涌动,于是大叫“终于连上了!” June 03 After Tender is the night Truth is never exclusive. Rather, it's perceived differently by
different people in different moods. Once upon time in front of people
for whom I truly cared, I exclaimed in quest for truth, to defend and
justify. However, the truth I was attempting to seek was purely
subjective. In no way could I
impose my truth on another person, nor can I expect for
certain response or promise, no blame no irresponsibility no
disappointment, just accept their truths and harden myself. Thus, I'd like to define love as unconditional trust in another person, a confidence that despite the differently shaped rationalities we isolate out a world where all the truths are constructed and shared mutually. Then, I can indulge in dreaming and expecting, free from fearing of misunderstanding or disappointment. That indulgence is what I call love. May 26 算是给爸妈的只言片语吧 这一周在LA看了两个电影,值得推荐下:Into the Wild, The Visitor.
场景完全不同,主角也是一小一老。但主题都是关于寻找人生真正意义的。这类的电影看过之后心都会转一转,转的次数多了就是所谓的成长了,当然也有看了非常
没有意义的东西往回转的。。。 前几天发给爸爸在加州照的照片,爸爸回信写了很多,我也没有回。字里行间看来爸妈都把这个荒废的blog当作宝贝般研究我每天在想什么做什么。如果爸爸看 到这里--不写blog不是因为放弃思考了。自省很多,但是如果通过公开的方式记录,或多或少丧失了真实性。即便绝没无炫耀的念头,但下笔总不能够百分百 表达真实的生活状态。 虽然嘴硬,这个暑假没能够回去心里挺歉疚的。计划下来只有半个月的暑 假,想真正的休假一次。和Kelsey非常亲近,和她的家人朋友也好得像自家人般,加之加州有本很想见的人在,所以才作的这个决定。近来一周过的不能再滋 润,心态也很轻松。照片只是出去玩的时候,每天的生活还是很平静愉快的。这周五开始的整一周就要去野营了,本来我不是很积极,毕竟小时候爸妈到处疯玩的时 候我都是被迫跟随的。。。去年年末的时候跟Kelsey讲了某个夏天去野海,爸妈和一帮朋友海滩上拖了人家渔民的木筏出海,我则窝在车里看书的故事,她就 一定要我加入家里的野营。野营的地方是真正意义上的森林,有很多熊。。。行装准备的时候,连水果味道的唇膏都不能带。看过Into the wild之后我更不积极了。。。还是更喜欢西单。 和兰卡斯特美术馆的小项目做完之后,准 备在野营出发前懒散几天。表面这样享乐,每天也在关注国内的事情。没有交流什么是因为表达不好,说来惭愧,去年年底以来就越发觉得英文能更流畅地表达脑中 的纠结了。纠结永远都会有,已经不刻意去一条条解开剔除了。这一年下来明白了什么样的精神生活才是我想要的:即便心中藏有千条纠结矛盾,也可以同时理智行 事加率性而为。简而言之,希望下一年能有更坦率的生活状态。 April 11 some thoughts after email exchange with Si我觉得自己在一些问题上转圈已经太久了。有几次都好像迈出了几步,但总是最后被拉回原点。在和Si的一次通信中,突然想通一件事情。一直以来,我时不时地总结原理和方法论,然后尽可能严格执行来保持一种心态的平和。但是我所想争取的平静,只有通过包容各种相互冲突的意识才能获得。曾经想要理智面对世界,所以专政似的通过自省来得出下一步要执行的ideology。但是要坚强,不仅要理智上面对,更要感情上直面。这就是为什么很多次理智驱赶着我迈出几步,但是却一次次好像回归思考的起点。我一直以为成长本身就是这种螺旋似的循环,但是现在突然意识到,在一些问题上,我只有循环往复却没有成长,把思考一次次拉回原点是其实就是自己刻意去回避的感情。 但是如果允许冲突的意识共存,如果要在感情上直面,每一次decision making无可救药地陷入一片chaos。尝试这种思维方式的最初,我前前后后做了一些傻事。面对突然袭来的浑沌,干脆顺其自然,静待事态发展--这样想着,干脆不去抉择,直到所有的选择被淘汰直到最后一个--这样一来至少轻松下来,不用去承担责任。但是,相比原先的dictatorship,现在却判断不出自己位于何处,也不知道是不是在朝正确的方向前进,甚至连正确方向是否存在都不再肯定。四周的世界面临那么多的变革,而自己却在一片茫然、无边无际的chaos中缓慢挪动步履,只因为必须前进,却不再在乎去向哪里。 即便看上去有些消极,傻事也做了几件,但我还是有一种感觉,比其原先的严谨,这片无边无际的混沌有着更多的真实性。这样想着,也就不由地期待起来了。 February 02 彩虹の女彩虹女神,岩井俊二又一部关于暧昧的电影,永远不让我失望。
女孩表面坚强,除电影外无他求的样子,心里却放不下那个每天晃在身边的傻小子,也许就是在拍电影时,透过镜头爱上了的。为他给别的女孩写情书也罢,某个瞬间突然胆大起来暗示也好,就那样矛盾着,自己一个人,不给别人添麻烦。
内闭的人才气总是聚很多,她自编自导的电影,世界末日,树叶在阳光下闪闪发光的,岩井惯用的moments。
女方是不是总是暧昧中输的那个?从ty ss这个database看,貌似输得都是精明女人。所有的故事均以“本以为自己”开始,“结果却”告终。楼下对暧昧男片片骂声。其实被骂得何尝不该是自己,明明是输不起的人,偏要下注。当然,岩井下的2个人,都还是地道的,彼此都没有错,只是男孩过于粗线条,女孩过于坚强了。还是在她自己拍的电影里最好,反正最后一周的生命,可以肆无忌惮地喜欢。是谁说的来着?爱吧,就像今天是世界末日一样。 December 12 merry go roundhurry go round 生命的花期从不遵循时令 常春藤不言不语 管它哪里都好,眼望远方出发 这一瞬间的意义呵 简直就象 旋转的 打个比方吧, 常春藤盘旋缠绕,身躯却已腐朽
转吧旋转吧 转吧急速旋转吧,就算粉身碎骨 PS. --by ATIE 那些少年时代迷恋过的脸庞呵,如今是一张一张塌了。昔日英雄褪去光环,走下云端。 他什么都知道,什么都明白。 那、 又、如、何? “急ぎ 廻れ 砕けても 玫瑰就是一朵玫瑰玫瑰。哪怕如今变成玫瑰茄,hide说了,总有一日还能在春天重逢吧。 又PS 作詞作曲:hide 狂い咲く季節が 蔦の葉密やかに 何処か 彼方を目指し 束の間に意味など まるで 回るMerry-go-round ただ 例えれば 蔦は絡まり 身は朽ち果てて あの日見えなかった 愛でるべき花たち まわる まわる 急ぎ 廻れ 砕けても
Happy birthday. Be tough December 01 Paul RavenGoing through Paul's biography at wiki, found a newly-added date 20 October 2007, the day he died.
I've taken granted that all the connections to hidetochan would be there waiting me to reach, but i'm totally wrong. Hide museum, concrete and permanent, was torn down too. People do die, buildings do collapse. Such a phony.
Hope Paul is as free as wind.
X-reunion. oh, too painful to talk about. how far can i go for it? November 11 太阳高度角昨晚凌晨从ny回来昏睡过去,快中午才起床,下午却又不知觉睡着了,然后竟然被太阳晒醒了。果然是冬天到了,太阳高度角变小了,寝室的阳光照射面积扩张到覆盖我的床。睡梦中隐约就感觉到周身金光闪闪,做了与此相联的梦。醒来时整个房间明晃晃的,标准的“冬日午后时分”。每个季节都有动人的细节啊,小小感恩一下。 October 24 from YanJing4月17日
2007年4月15日、关于爱,以及承诺我的生命中,又一个重要的日子。 看着外面阴沉的天,埋怨北京这天儿,一到我得空休息的时候便沉下脸来,倒是给自己赖在家里找了个好理由。不过想着2007年的春天就又这么过了一大半了,便咬了牙,收拾打扮,跟兔子哥哥去了大观园。 春色还是很美的,花红柳绿,兔子拿着照相机一顿拍——当然,是为了满足我爱美的虚荣。不过,他实在是太能拍,而且动作极其之慢,从一数到三至少需要十秒钟。于是,到后来我的这位御用摄影师一看见我对着镜头摆出的丑陋笑容就说:我还欠你钱吗……于是我又开始大笑。我说,我们真的不像谈恋爱的情侣,谁看都会觉得是老夫老妻了。 园子并不大,走一会儿便到了头,照片从好看拍到难看,我实在笑不动了,就出来了。看看天色还早,于是决定去菜百看看。说了好久了,从年前就开始说,虽然跟家只有一站公交车的距离,但我们这两只懒惰的穴居动物,都是最爱赖在家里的沙发上看碟的,若不是因为顺路,还不知道要熬到哪天才去得成。 菜百里面的人比我相象的还要多。原来,原来有那么多的人都要结婚啊……于是我们拣那些人群里的缝隙,走马观花地看着。 我真只打算看一看的,这么大的一件事,自是要精心挑选才对,依照我的风格,我必然是要把周生生周大福谢瑞麟等等等等全部逛完之后才会决定的。所以,柜台小姐热情地上前来搭话问我们想要挑什么款式什么价位多大的石头之类,我一律回答说,我们还没想那么多呢,先看看。这样漫不经心地,倒也瞅见了几只长相惹人喜欢的,于是指给他看。小姐不失时机地殷勤道:喜欢的话我可以拿出来给你试试。 终究是庸俗的小女人,抵挡不住璀璨的光华,不自禁伸出手去。 现在想想,开始有点相信那柜台小姐的话了:人和戒指的缘分,就像人和人的缘分。每颗石头都是不一样的,指环的大小也不一样。见得多了挑戒指的情侣,款式上心,石头大了或者小了,或者价位中意,指圈不合适需要改圈。现在戴在手上的那只,是第一眼便瞧上了的,大小也正好合适。小姐说,你看,其实有时候刻意地寻觅反不可得,有时候,偶尔的邂逅,便是携手一生的缘分。这话我听了心中欣喜:喜欢,并且适合,确实是多么不易的事情啊。想起后来跟妈妈提起不用改圈的事情,妈妈半开玩笑地说,吉利。 我看了一眼价签,把指环摘下来,又指了边上的一只,石头小小的,同样亮晶晶地非常可爱。我让小姐拿出来套在手上,兔子摇头:太细了,不好。 我起身,说,去别处看看吧。却被兔子拉住:不要考虑价钱,只问问自己是不是真的喜欢。 我说,石头太大,会像假的。 其实是心疼银子。 兔子笑话我,说:不给你买小的,否则以后你该怨我了。 其实对于我,所谓克拉,几分或者几十分,都只是个数字,重要的是,它,来自于我的他,是一种信息,告诉我,他愿意守着我,一辈子。 我给妈妈发了条短信,问她,这个价位的钻戒能不能买,是不是太贵了。妈妈非常迅速地回过来:这是你们年轻人的事,我不懂。你若是喜欢,又觉得合适,就买。话里透着的好像不止说戒指。 再回到柜台前的时候,钻石证书和款单已经放在面前了。兔子温婉地笑,说:准备好嫁给我了吗? 我突然想起来有一个重要的电话没有打,正要掏手机,兔子说,你给X打个电话吧。呵呵,默契,我正要打。 电话接通了,我开始往远离柜台的地方跑,预感到自己将要来的情绪。电话这边我说,我要嫁人了。眼泪瞬时毫不犹豫地涌出来。众目睽睽。 永远不会忘记那一刻,随眼泪一起涌上来的幸福,几乎将我淹没。 兔子去刷卡的时候,我呆在柜台等他。小姐讨好地说,看的出来先生很爱你,不愿意让你吃苦。我笑笑。心里明白,兔子决然不是富裕的男人,但他是那个会把最后一口鸡蛋羹留给我吃的男人。即使他口袋里只有一块钱,他也会省下来给我买鸡蛋灌饼吃。(怎么搞得我像是咸蛋超人一样,那么喜欢吃鸡蛋的样子。不过事后我问过兔子,如果你只有一块钱,会拿来干嘛?他说,只有一块钱啊?想了想他接着说,我会给你买两个烧饼吃。我很生气,问他,为什么不是鸡蛋灌饼?!我已经在博客里面写成鸡蛋灌饼了!!他说,鸡蛋灌饼不合适,那么小,就因为放了个鸡蛋就要卖1块钱,哪比得上两个烧饼能喂饱你呀!……) 兔子拿着单子兴冲冲地回来,感受得到他的喜悦。回家的路上,从来不在街上跟我表示亲热的他,无数次转过头来,亲吻我的脸颊。 我曾经在他数次问我什么时候嫁给他得时候,敷衍他说,都这样了,结不结婚不都一样吗?而现在知道,其实还是那么的不一样。我们是平凡的男女,因相爱而相守,当婚姻水到渠成的时候,心中的激动和幸福,是那么不可言喻地美妙。 回到家,忍不住一次又一次的把戒指拿出来瞅,兔子不让戴,非说要有个小的仪式,由他给我戴上才可以。 一直管我叫花花的他,有了戒指撑腰,开始改口唤我作宝贝。 一直觉得结不结婚无所谓的我,在16日的清晨醒来,身边仍旧是那个他,手上那个亮亮的圈,却已分明地写着承诺和责任。 心甘情愿被圈住的小女人 October 23 quote from Coco Chanel
October 14 do or not to doThere is a moment in our lives that all of us are forced to look in the mirror and see who we really are. |
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